The Chicken Emerges

Has it REALLY been over a year and a half since I started this blog??? My goodness, how time flies! It has taken me 15 minutes just now to figure out how to do a new post...and does anyone know if there's spellcheck somewhere on here? Anyway, I have to be honest, it's not just that I've been super busy - which I have. It was more that I sort of got intimidated by the fact that other people might be reading what I write, so it was easier to just do nothing. I know, doesn't really sound like me. Maybe those demons from being kicked out of BYU years ago leaving me feeling stupid haven't completely gone away. But alas, that is a story for another day.

Thanks to the urging of a dear friend (thanks Gemia - if this backfires, you're dead!), I am going to be brave and put myself out there.

There are a few main thoughts swirling around in my head at present. One is about being a mother, and the other is about personal finances. Both monumental topics to attack, but worth a try I suppose.

I'm going to stick to the motherhood topic today. Let me start with the good and the pure and then we'll get to the good stuff. I understand that being a mother is an ENORMOUS blessing and a privilege. I understand that I am truly, truly blessed to be a mom with a wonderful, supportive husband to boot. I love my kids with all my heart and would do anything in this world for them. I understand how lucky I am to have been blessed to be able to bear children and raise them and stay at home with them. I get it - I really, really do!

The thing I feel that is greatly lacking is the honesty about what it's REALLY like to be a mother. It's as if people feel that if they talk about the tough side of being a mom that somehow they are either complaining or that they don't appreciate their divine calling of motherhood. I must admit, I'm slightly bitter that no one warned me about how hard it was going to be. What's the matter with this picure??

I couldn't more strongly disagree! If we all just pretend that everything is perfect, that every day is a bliss-filled adventure with our perfectly dressed and perfectly behaved children, it leaves us all feeling inadequate. We secretly think that we are a lousy mother and that everyone else is better at it than we are. We feel alone in our struggles and alone in our guilt over not being better at such an amazing life calling.

I, for one, am DONE feeling that way. One of my new goals for the new year is to become a better mother, which I feel that I am ALWAYS trying to do. But more importantly for me this year, to try to be more accepting of who I am including my imperfections. I'm not suggesting walking around being negative. What I'm suggesting is some REAL HONESTY. Why don't I ever hear that raising kids is the most difficult thing I have ever done, or that motherhood can be the most frustrating, gut wrenching, mind numbing thing in the world?

I believe that being a mom of small children is easier for some women than others. Some women I have met have a natural disposition that makes them adapt more easily to the rigors of little ones. Well, good for them, but that is most definitely NOT ME!

I taught first grade for three, very long years. It was extremely tough for me. I also taught high school for three years, and while it is challenging, I really connected with those kids. I love the young women I work with at my church to bits and believe that I will be more naturally inclined to be better with older children. But for me, that is a ways down the road and for now, my reality includes little ones. They are cute and funny and like to be rocked at night. I love the way they see the world and the light in their eyes when they finally figure something out. They are amazing and difficult all at the exact same time. But let's go there. Let's get down and dirty and discuss what's hard. Ready? Here we go!

I have a really hard time getting anything done and it frustrates me to my WITS END. I can never start something and finish it, because I'm interrupted over and over again every 1-2 minutes because someone needs something from me. It takes me 3 hours sometimes to start a load of dishes and at least an hour or two to get everyone out the door in the morning. This all depends on whether or not I indulge in the luxury of taking a shower first. Anyone else feel selfish for taking a shower or fixing your hair?? Never mind any make-up, don't even think it.

Our house is constantly a complete mess, due to the lack of me getting anything done as stated above. I hate messes. I look around the house feeling completely defeated as the mess grows bigger and stickier. It feels like a constant reminder that I am not enough. Surely, everyone else's houses are cleaner than mine...

I have stopped even trying to write a "To Do" list because it would take up too much of my precious time to write it, little own do anything on it. Not to mention it would be too long and too overwhelming anyway. I just concentrate on putting out fires - what needs to be done TODAY? The rest of it just falls into the abyss of tasks that have never, and will never be completed.

I have also stopped scrapbooking. For those of you who know me well, you know that it is my one hobby. The one thing that I enjoy when I have time to myself and energy to do anything besides lay on the couch and stare at the television. But alas, it is not going to happen for a few more years so I might as well accept it. But I sure do miss it.

One last thing. I can't stand how the sound of my voice has become like white noise to every member of my family. I talk and no one hears me. It has gotten to the point that I have to yell, pull hair, stomp my feet or clap my hands to get anyone to acknowledge anything I have to say. Otherwise, it's like Charley Brown's teacher....."wa wo wa wo waa wooooo"......And at the same time, the kids get louder and louder each and every day.

Anyway, there's a few for you to start with. It does feel good to get some of this out into the universe. I know I have it good, but that doesn't mean it's not hard, at least not for me. Some days I am more happy than I deserve, and some days I want to run away from home. Don't worry, I'd come back eventually, after a few days of peace and quiet. Ahhh.....sounds like heaven!